Help Me to Understand You Better

 Isn't it interesting how, when we're in a long-standing relationship, we expect, and even assume that our partner will know our likes and dislikes, and how we think about certain things? We can become disappointed, even angry if they slip up, don't 'get us, or misread us completely; 'they should have known I would/wouldn't like that, whatever were they thinking!'

We may feel that they're not paying attention, are not fully invested in the relationship, or don't care enough about us. But maybe we should question if we've explained ourselves sufficiently well. How could they know these things, have we told them, or do we expect them to be psychic?

We meet other people, potential new friends, in random, yet self-selecting situations, often starting with only one or two points of commonality. We may work together, go to the gym at the same time, network, and use public transport. Over time our initial smile of recognition may gradually evolve into a few words of friendly greeting or even an interest in taking things further and socializing together.

A new friendship can blossom as we start to find out more about each other, perhaps being pleasantly surprised as we discover shared interests, likes, and dislikes. We may feel so comfortable and in tune with each other that we simply assume that we share the same views and outlooks on many other topics.

Someone I hardly know, a friend of a mutual acquaintance, recently sent me a text saying that she'd had a dream about me. In her dream, she said that I'd wanted to tell her certain things but felt unable to do so. She had texted me because she was concerned about me and my emotional state.

She was shocked when I replied, pointing out that it was her dream, the feelings were hers and anything she ascribed to me in the dream was actually nothing to do with me at all. She'd merely used me as a conduit to express her own thoughts and feelings about various things that were happening in her life. She'd interpreted the dream as being true to life, an insight into how I was actually feeling at the time when in reality it was all about her.

This is a perfect example of the way our own reality can absorb and consume us to such an extent that we lose sight of how unique our personal experience of life is. We each have our own individual perspectives and perception of life and living.

So how do we become better able to understand each other?

- When we want to relate to, understand, and get to know others improving how we listen to them is an important skill. Double-checking that we've heard and understood correctly, maybe clarifying details that we're unsure about, and showing that we're interested and engaged all help in improving any communications.

- Practise empathy. How would you feel if you were in their situation? Clearly, they have their own interpretation of what's going on, but being supportive and demonstrating an emotion that resonates with what they've said shows that you're trying to be in tune with them, and are respecting their situation.

- But equally, avoid hi-jacking the conversation with an, 'I know how you feel, it happened to me, let me tell you all about it!' Whilst it might be comforting for them to know they're not alone in their experiences, this does rather succeed in diminishing their feelings and makes the conversation all about you. Not very understanding is it!

- Avoid the temptation to jump to conclusions, finish sentences or second-guess what you're being told. Make good eye contact and be patient as you listen attentively. Understanding comes from appreciating the full picture, and how they're feeling about their story, not just the words that are being said.

- Good communicators avoid using jargon or acronyms. They explain the basics, not in a condescending way, but in a way that allows others to feel comfortable and included. When we're familiar with our own subject, and are all too aware of our own story, it can be easy to presume that others are as au fait as we are, that they have the same level of understanding. But that's not always the case.

We can be so immersed and wrapped up in our story, our own version of events that we, often unwittingly, preclude others from being able to understand us. A little extra care and attention invested in expressing ourselves well can make all the difference and help others be able to understand us better.

Susan Leigh, South Manchester counselor, hypnotherapist, relationship counselor writer & media contributor offers help with relationship issues, stress management, assertiveness, and confidence. She works with individual clients, and couples and provides corporate workshops and support.

How to Bring Variety to Intercourse in your Relationship.

  

For many people, penetration is the ultimate turn-on because it is the most intimate act we can engage in with another person. Different positions bring some variety to a very basic mating act. Women are much less interested in different positions. Rear entries can be more explicit and erotic.

Positions for intercourse include woman-on-top and doggy style with the man behind. Different positions for intercourse are popular with men because they allow men more explicit views of their thrusting action. Couples experiment for a while but they usually resume missionary-style intercourse. This position involves the least work for the woman and gives the man the best position to control the stimulation he obtains from thrusting.

Quickies can be erotic if used in different venues. Quickies often involve a standing position even if only rear entry bent over a table or in the shower. The woman can support herself against an object (a tree, a table or the side of the shower) or lean over at 90 degrees and rest face down. If a woman usually moves her hips during intercourse (to assist with penile stimulation and give a more proactive sense of participation) it can be pleasant to have the excuse to do absolutely nothing. A man's need to ejaculate into an orifice is clear and may cause a woman to feel like a receptacle for semen. If a couple has a positive relationship, the rewards can go both ways.

Some men fantasize about having intercourse outdoors or in unusual places. More proactive couples change the venue for sex on an ad hoc basis. Some people enjoy the risk of being caught or observed in venues such as on public transport or in the cinema. Some people like to watch and others like to be watched. Dogging is popular in the UK, which involves couples having sex (often in the car) in woods that are designated for the purpose so that others (primarily men) can watch. Others may prefer the privacy and seclusion of venues such as a private garden or a remote rural location.

Some couples may enjoy dressing up or using fantasy role play to play-act sexual scenarios. Some couples are attracted to tickling, spanking, and other kink activities. It's all part of the fun. What appeals depend on the personality and a person's fantasies. Much of this activity is purely sensual for a woman.

A man can tell a woman what he is thinking as he stimulates her from behind. A man should talk in terms of urges, domination, and possession rather than the graphic detail that men enjoy. A man can stroke the area between a woman's thighs (from the clitoris through to the anus). He can hold her butt cheeks apart before and as he penetrates her. He can use a hand to hold a woman firmly down as he dominates her (only with her permission!).

A man should change his rhythm of thrusting and depth of penetration by alternating between teasing the glans of his penis in the entrance of his lover's vagina (the most sensitive part) and using longer deeper thrusts. A man can use his body weight to provide a sense of domination. When a man thrusts deeply the base of his penis thumps against her vulva and perineum (towards the anus). The woman may enjoy mild sensations of arousal, especially when her partner's groin grinds into her labia and clitoris.

A woman may enjoy the eroticism of being dominated (from the whole body contact and his weight) and the psychological satisfaction of being penetrated (from knowing that his penis is deep inside her body). Intercourse provides little internal sensation but a woman can feel external pressure. A man can demonstrate affection by kissing and caressing her.

BDSM involves the use of physical restraints that limit a person's range of motion and play-acting of submissive and dominant roles by consenting adults. To increase safety, couples use a safe words so that the person in the submissive role can stop all activity. They also discuss in advance what they agree to be the limits on allowed activities. A less risky version involves using only mild bondage and a blindfold to make sex slightly more mysterious and heighten the sensations of being penetrated and touched by a lover.

Women often conclude that men lack imagination when it comes to sex. This is because intercourse is a relatively mundane repetitive act for a woman whereas for a man, penetration represents the most erotic situation imaginable. This is natural given men's biological sex drive. Many men have no need for fantasies of any kind because intercourse is sufficient for their sexual needs. For women, sex is a social rather than an erotic experience. They hope for a lover with sensitivity to their needs, which are more psychological than physical. Women enjoy sensual teasing, sexual anticipation and feeling desired. This all takes time, which is difficult for a younger man. Older men, who are less acutely aroused, have the luxury of time to enjoy their own arousal and to spend time pleasuring a lover.

4 Mistakes to Avoid When Describing Yourself

 

 While we have strong opinions about people we interact with at home or at work, you will be surprised to know that people find it quite challenging to describe themselves. Describing yourself on paper is especially important when it comes to creating your online dating profile or profiles on matchmaking sites.

You are not only expected to describe yourself but do it in such a way that it attracts the right people to show interest or respond positively when you reach people you are interested in.

Here are some of the 4 common mistakes you should avoid when describing yourself.

1. Blowing your own trumpet

The purpose of your online profile is to describe your personality, lifestyle, interests, and expectations. The idea is to sound like a real human being with an emphasis on sounding genuine. Avoid filling up your profile with adjectives or trying to project an exaggerated view of who you are. Nobody likes people who take themselves too seriously. Even if you really are God's gift to mankind, project a little bit of humility when you write about yourself.

2. Beating yourself up

While humility is always appreciated, there is no need to berate yourself in an attempt to sound genuine. Calling out every little physical flaw, personality quirks, family issue (even if it is a passing reference), fears or frustrations, past failures, and failed relationships should definitely be avoided. There is no point in turning people away by sharing a lop-sided view of all the things that did not go well in your life.

3. Focussing too much on your material possessions

While the world around is materialistic and money does indeed attract people, restrain your urge to show off your wealth. Having a profile photo with your fancy supercar in the background or on your Million-dollar yacht sends all the wrong signals and will probably attract people who may be interested more in your wealth. If you are wealthy, there is no need to call it out either through your profile photograph or in your profile write-up. You always have the option to screen people depending on the criteria offered by the matchmaking or dating site you may be using if you are particular about dating or marrying people with a similar social status.

4. Not paying attention to spelling and grammar

When you write about yourself, pay attention to spelling and grammar. Having a well-written, coherent profile free from spelling and grammar mistakes is a fundamental requirement to create a good first impression. That's not all, filling your profile description with slang, acronyms, and truncated words will convey to people that you are not a serious party worth responding to.

A day for you and me.

  

It's only a single day left, for me and you to be together,

The rest we shall be, far apart

Mountains and valleys between us, all we need is love and trust.

I shall be lonely in my heart, but your sweet smile will be my memories.

Your gentle touch I will recall, and I will keep on loving you

No matter the distance between us, though we shall be far apart

Let our hearts be together, always sharing our love that was meant to be

Giving it breath of growth, when things tend to shake us apart

Let our love be a tower of strength, the trust we have never to share

From the depth of my heart, I can recall the sweet days we shared

They keep on flushing in my mind, although I'll let you go away

I won't let you out of my heart, you will be a pillar of fire in me

Keep me warm in the cold nights, I'll keep on missing you

My lips will dry for lose of your lips, my days will be lonely and boring

Coz I don't have you by me💏

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Best Kept Secret to Get Your Man to Commit

   How long have you dated your present partner?

Some ladies have fallen into the trap of being in a relationship for 5 to 10 years. This is sometimes occasioned by the fear of losing that tall and handsome young man you have met. It could be that you had remained lonely for a long time before meeting him and you're now afraid of falling back to loneliness if you left him.

You think of those sweet words that are whispered into your ears when you're together. You remember the care and attention he showers on you. He lifts you up when you're feeling emotionally drained and when you express your feelings to him, he grants you a listening ear. You remember how he had taken you around the World in '7' days and all the great memories you've had together. Not to talk about the explosive orgasmic sexual episodes you do have together.

With all these seemingly great relationships, the man is still not proposing to you.

There are some, however, whose relationships have been violent and turbulent, and yet the lady finds it so difficult to leave the man. Neighbors often break doors to separate fights but the lady refuses to call it quits.

This is worrisome as is disturbing. The question is: why is this so?

When you look back, it's been a long time. You have spent the prime part of your life with him and you begin to imagine the societal blame and shame. You see yourself a 100% loser if you should chicken out after these donkey years.

In the course of cohabitation, you have even taken in and delivered a baby. Some have even delivered one, two, three children without any commitment from the man. It has become a matter of between and betwixt. You can neither go forward nor go backward. It has become a dilemma both for the man and the woman.

True love is a wonderful experience. When two people who deeply care for each other come together, there's a spark of transformation. They want to please each other. They want to support each other. Having found each other worthy in character and value, your man will quickly propose to you. You'll then marry the love of your life and experience the kind of relationships you had ever dreamed about together.

A relative of mine found herself in this mess. Today, she had begotten 3 children in cohabitation. The 'husband' claimed that she often complains, nags, and easily gets angry. He complained of a lack of peace in his life and his family ever since he came in contact with her. On the other hand, his 'wife' insisted that she had been used and abused and so, she cannot allow him to dump her and marry another woman. At the moment, the focus has even shifted from marrying her to the education of the resultant children from the cohabitation.

So, how can you make your man commit to you even when he thinks he's not ready yet for the responsibility of marriage?

You have to develop an impeccable character. Are you open? Are you kind? Are you considerate? Are you charitable? Are you approachable? You need to be a confident woman.

There is no free lunch anywhere these days. You have to be an industrious woman. Are you an employee? Are you an entrepreneur? How much are you bringing to the table? If you want to be the woman men rush to propose to, you must be able to contribute to the domestic economy. Gone are the days when women are liabilities!

You must be supportive. It's not only about supporting your partner financially but also, encouraging him to accomplish his goals. You advise him whenever he demands it from you. And most importantly, ensure he enjoys peace whenever you're together.

When you exhibit these traits, men will be falling over themselves to commit to you. They'll be desperate to propose to you. You'll be the one qualifying them and doing the selection. The challenge you'll have is the ability to choose the perfect life partner for you.

I'm missing you

  

Though you are far away, your heart is here with me

Your love abide in me, forever shall it be

The time of our lives, every second that count

Every heartbeat that goes, my heart is missing you

I need you close to me, to keep me warm at night

To be with me long days, and keep on loving me

Though the distance is great, we got to love more

I'm missing you, keeping good memories

Of the times we used to share, wish that it can happen again

But my dreams keep on being shut, by the distance between us

As my heart pound each bit, the sun rises n sets

I count the seconds passed without you, I wish we were together

Forever never to stop, no matter how far you are

I keep on loving you, I cherish more of your love

I treasure what we shared, whenever we are together

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I can't get through

  

Why give me such pain, seeing you walk away

After giving you all my love, now you wanna leave me alone

You filled my heart with love but wanna leave it empty

Why give me such pain, seeing you walk away

Recalling the day we met, strangers we were to each other

But love erupts from within, we promised never to break our hearts

Now you wanna go, breaking mine, I can't get through such pain

Remember that day, you swore by the moonlight

Never to break my heart, I can't get through such pain

I got a great love for you, I can't let go no matter what

Don't break my heart, by leaving me

Why give me such pain, to see you walk away

Hold back your move, spare our love

I won't break your heart, I'll always treat you right

Don't give me such pain, to see you walk away

Poetry of Sex

 

 

I am deeply thoughtful of poetry, particularly when related to sex. One of the medieval poems that have impressed me is the "Song of Songs". This song refers to the love between God and the soul. God is deeply in love with us and wills our love in return. This love between the soul and God, which is the most intimate love possible, is expressed in the analogy of bride and bridegroom, where the intimacy of love is especially expressed. Nothing can be more intimate than this love where a bride and her love enter into a carnal embrace. In history, no book has received such intensely devoted attention in commentary and preaching as this song.

The composer of this song was Bernard of Clairvaux. He was a French abbot and the primary reformer of the Cistercian order. The Song does not have the same importance as earlier, but nevertheless, it is a part of modern people's imagination. Bernard preached eighty-six homilies on the Song and died just as he was getting started on chapter 3

The song and Lusty thoughts

The song is often read in modern days as a lusty celebration of sex People like me read it to brush aside the prudish poetry and try and peep into the sex acts of Solomon and his Shulammite ( women of Jerusalem). Thus the contemporary obsession is projected by the ancient text. It assumes that everybody knows about sex and it's depth. Perhaps in modern times we have outgrown old romantic notions of sex and know it more as a clash of bodies and exchange of fluids. There is thus no magic and no mystery in it. The song is disguised pornography that gives sex a sacred image. It represents the confusion of that age.

The Erotic Poem

The song teaches a lot. Robert Alter has made a telling observation. As per him, the song is the epitome of erotic literature. The theme states that the body in the act of love seems to displace the rest of the world.

The song affirms joyful love. In the poem, Solomon is a lover who abandons the world for the love of his bride. The beauty of the song is that he rediscovers the world and loves her. This glorious insight is enough to justify the song as great literature.

The song itself sinks the reader into something deeper. The song gives the poem a cosmic look. The strength of love is comparable to forces of decay and destruction i.e. death and Sheol.

Further discussion

Despite all allusions to god, the poem is an erotic piece. As per the poem, love, like wine is the intoxicating desire of carnal knowledge. This is disguised as sexual attraction. The theme covers all this and brings out that God invites his beloved into the "house of wine". Wine is a fitting trope for the one love because it is a fitting trope for the other. Forests, orchards, and gardens are figures of the temple, The lover's enthrallment to his beloved is the Lord's enthralled fascination for his people, black but beautiful.

The song brings out something that has been known since time immemorial that sex is an allegory and it includes metaphysics theology and cosmology. For Christians, sexual difference and union is a type of Christ and the church: How could an erotic poem (and in the Bible!) be anything but allegory?

Poetry like this brings out the truth of human sexuality. Only as an allegory does the Song have anything to teach us about sex. Only as an allegory can the Song play its central role in healing our sexual imaginations.

Last word

How similar this is to the Tantra of Hinduism where sex is unadulterated bliss and a path to God and salvation. This poem also explores the union of man and woman in a similar vein. I am sure friends will now read this poem along with the Tantra as espoused in the Puranas and conclude that sex has a definite place in the world and cannot be brushed under anything.