Sex Is an Emotional Bonding Mechanism for Men

 

Reproductively women are more essential than men are. Men go into battle not only because they are more suited to it but also because, reproductively, they are more dispensable than women. So men do not have the same emotional reassurance women have of being needed. Once a man chooses a mate, he feels emotionally fulfilled because she has accepted him as a lover. He considers his love for her to be special because it is sexual love.

Women don't tend to worry about pleasing a man because men's pleasure is usually very evident. Men's satisfaction in ejaculating as well as their post-coital gratitude for a woman providing them relief from sexual frustration provides plenty of proof of pleasure. Most men need some kind of invitation before they are confident to initiate intercourse with a partner. A man may wait for a woman to indicate her amenability or he may hint and wait for a reaction. Women offer sex because they know it's expected.

A man commits to a relationship with a woman who offers him more regular sex than he can get elsewhere. If women offered sex readily and easily to any passing male, then men would have no reason to settle for one woman. Sex is the bonding mechanism that makes relationships possible. But it is male promiscuity that means men need to be incentivized, not women.

For men sex (defined by intercourse) is orgasm. If a man engages in penetrative sex, it is almost a given that he will have an orgasm. So he assumes that the same is true for a woman. Men assume that women engage in intercourse because of this imagined pleasure. A man obtains an emotional reward when a woman responds lovingly. He assumes that she is satisfied and that she appreciates his performance. Men's enjoyment of sexual pleasure is enhanced by the idea that they have pleasured a lover.

For a woman, sex is a social activity. But for a man, intercourse represents the culmination of his arousal cycle that is commenced many times throughout the days or weeks and concluded only when he has intercourse. Intercourse is a male activity that men orchestrate. A man's performance is vitally important to him and he doesn't want to be judged by a woman. Men insist on the fantasy that women are aroused by a large penis or long intercourse because it increases the importance of their own role in the act.

Men have not heralded the invention of vibrators with joy. Men are not interested in whether a woman is capable of orgasm per se. Men specifically want a woman to respond to what men do to them. Men's prime focus is natural intercourse. But men who are interested in erotic turn-ons other than intercourse also hope that a woman will be aroused by breast and clitoral stimulation with a lover regardless of any scientific facts or logic.

Their physical strength and emotional robustness cause men to assume their superiority over women in all things. This makes it difficult for men to ever admit that they hope for a woman's approval. They want a woman to confirm their prowess as a lover. They want to feel that their desire to penetrate her is reciprocated, that she obtains a similar pleasure from sex.

The mating position used by other mammals is a rear entry (the man penetrates the woman from behind). Western society favors the missionary position (man on top of the woman but facing her). An advantage of the position is that intercourse can be incorporated into a lovemaking act. But it also causes the woman's mental engagement (or lack of) to be visible to her partner. The need for a woman to appear more involved in lovemaking contributes to the emotional bonding process.

Men often compliment women on their looks. Women do not typically pay men equivalent compliments. So men do not obtain the same feedback or emotional reassurance. Men suspect that sexual pleasure is all theirs because of the obvious signs. Women rarely initiate sex or behave proactively during sex. Women are not euphoric after intercourse, nor do they exhibit any signs of sexual lease and post-coital gratitude that men do.

Unless a woman puts on an exaggerated performance, a man has no way of knowing that she has been pleased with his lovemaking. So men are always asking how they can pleasure a woman. The female orgasm is a topic of discussion because it is a male turn-on. Men equate sex with orgasm, so female orgasm is used as a token of women's supposed enjoyment of sex.

Help Me to Understand You Better

 Isn't it interesting how, when we're in a long-standing relationship, we expect, and even assume that our partner will know our likes and dislikes, and how we think about certain things? We can become disappointed, even angry if they slip up, don't 'get us, or misread us completely; 'they should have known I would/wouldn't like that, whatever were they thinking!'

We may feel that they're not paying attention, are not fully invested in the relationship, or don't care enough about us. But maybe we should question if we've explained ourselves sufficiently well. How could they know these things, have we told them, or do we expect them to be psychic?

We meet other people, potential new friends, in random, yet self-selecting situations, often starting with only one or two points of commonality. We may work together, go to the gym at the same time, network, and use public transport. Over time our initial smile of recognition may gradually evolve into a few words of friendly greeting or even an interest in taking things further and socializing together.

A new friendship can blossom as we start to find out more about each other, perhaps being pleasantly surprised as we discover shared interests, likes, and dislikes. We may feel so comfortable and in tune with each other that we simply assume that we share the same views and outlooks on many other topics.

Someone I hardly know, a friend of a mutual acquaintance, recently sent me a text saying that she'd had a dream about me. In her dream, she said that I'd wanted to tell her certain things but felt unable to do so. She had texted me because she was concerned about me and my emotional state.

She was shocked when I replied, pointing out that it was her dream, the feelings were hers and anything she ascribed to me in the dream was actually nothing to do with me at all. She'd merely used me as a conduit to express her own thoughts and feelings about various things that were happening in her life. She'd interpreted the dream as being true to life, an insight into how I was actually feeling at the time when in reality it was all about her.

This is a perfect example of the way our own reality can absorb and consume us to such an extent that we lose sight of how unique our personal experience of life is. We each have our own individual perspectives and perception of life and living.

So how do we become better able to understand each other?

- When we want to relate to, understand, and get to know others improving how we listen to them is an important skill. Double-checking that we've heard and understood correctly, maybe clarifying details that we're unsure about, and showing that we're interested and engaged all help in improving any communications.

- Practise empathy. How would you feel if you were in their situation? Clearly, they have their own interpretation of what's going on, but being supportive and demonstrating an emotion that resonates with what they've said shows that you're trying to be in tune with them, and are respecting their situation.

- But equally, avoid hi-jacking the conversation with an, 'I know how you feel, it happened to me, let me tell you all about it!' Whilst it might be comforting for them to know they're not alone in their experiences, this does rather succeed in diminishing their feelings and makes the conversation all about you. Not very understanding is it!

- Avoid the temptation to jump to conclusions, finish sentences or second-guess what you're being told. Make good eye contact and be patient as you listen attentively. Understanding comes from appreciating the full picture, and how they're feeling about their story, not just the words that are being said.

- Good communicators avoid using jargon or acronyms. They explain the basics, not in a condescending way, but in a way that allows others to feel comfortable and included. When we're familiar with our own subject, and are all too aware of our own story, it can be easy to presume that others are as au fait as we are, that they have the same level of understanding. But that's not always the case.

We can be so immersed and wrapped up in our story, our own version of events that we, often unwittingly, preclude others from being able to understand us. A little extra care and attention invested in expressing ourselves well can make all the difference and help others be able to understand us better.

Susan Leigh, South Manchester counselor, hypnotherapist, relationship counselor writer & media contributor offers help with relationship issues, stress management, assertiveness, and confidence. She works with individual clients, and couples and provides corporate workshops and support.

How to Bring Variety to Intercourse in your Relationship.

  

For many people, penetration is the ultimate turn-on because it is the most intimate act we can engage in with another person. Different positions bring some variety to a very basic mating act. Women are much less interested in different positions. Rear entries can be more explicit and erotic.

Positions for intercourse include woman-on-top and doggy style with the man behind. Different positions for intercourse are popular with men because they allow men more explicit views of their thrusting action. Couples experiment for a while but they usually resume missionary-style intercourse. This position involves the least work for the woman and gives the man the best position to control the stimulation he obtains from thrusting.

Quickies can be erotic if used in different venues. Quickies often involve a standing position even if only rear entry bent over a table or in the shower. The woman can support herself against an object (a tree, a table or the side of the shower) or lean over at 90 degrees and rest face down. If a woman usually moves her hips during intercourse (to assist with penile stimulation and give a more proactive sense of participation) it can be pleasant to have the excuse to do absolutely nothing. A man's need to ejaculate into an orifice is clear and may cause a woman to feel like a receptacle for semen. If a couple has a positive relationship, the rewards can go both ways.

Some men fantasize about having intercourse outdoors or in unusual places. More proactive couples change the venue for sex on an ad hoc basis. Some people enjoy the risk of being caught or observed in venues such as on public transport or in the cinema. Some people like to watch and others like to be watched. Dogging is popular in the UK, which involves couples having sex (often in the car) in woods that are designated for the purpose so that others (primarily men) can watch. Others may prefer the privacy and seclusion of venues such as a private garden or a remote rural location.

Some couples may enjoy dressing up or using fantasy role play to play-act sexual scenarios. Some couples are attracted to tickling, spanking, and other kink activities. It's all part of the fun. What appeals depend on the personality and a person's fantasies. Much of this activity is purely sensual for a woman.

A man can tell a woman what he is thinking as he stimulates her from behind. A man should talk in terms of urges, domination, and possession rather than the graphic detail that men enjoy. A man can stroke the area between a woman's thighs (from the clitoris through to the anus). He can hold her butt cheeks apart before and as he penetrates her. He can use a hand to hold a woman firmly down as he dominates her (only with her permission!).

A man should change his rhythm of thrusting and depth of penetration by alternating between teasing the glans of his penis in the entrance of his lover's vagina (the most sensitive part) and using longer deeper thrusts. A man can use his body weight to provide a sense of domination. When a man thrusts deeply the base of his penis thumps against her vulva and perineum (towards the anus). The woman may enjoy mild sensations of arousal, especially when her partner's groin grinds into her labia and clitoris.

A woman may enjoy the eroticism of being dominated (from the whole body contact and his weight) and the psychological satisfaction of being penetrated (from knowing that his penis is deep inside her body). Intercourse provides little internal sensation but a woman can feel external pressure. A man can demonstrate affection by kissing and caressing her.

BDSM involves the use of physical restraints that limit a person's range of motion and play-acting of submissive and dominant roles by consenting adults. To increase safety, couples use a safe words so that the person in the submissive role can stop all activity. They also discuss in advance what they agree to be the limits on allowed activities. A less risky version involves using only mild bondage and a blindfold to make sex slightly more mysterious and heighten the sensations of being penetrated and touched by a lover.

Women often conclude that men lack imagination when it comes to sex. This is because intercourse is a relatively mundane repetitive act for a woman whereas for a man, penetration represents the most erotic situation imaginable. This is natural given men's biological sex drive. Many men have no need for fantasies of any kind because intercourse is sufficient for their sexual needs. For women, sex is a social rather than an erotic experience. They hope for a lover with sensitivity to their needs, which are more psychological than physical. Women enjoy sensual teasing, sexual anticipation and feeling desired. This all takes time, which is difficult for a younger man. Older men, who are less acutely aroused, have the luxury of time to enjoy their own arousal and to spend time pleasuring a lover.